When wave after wave of uncertainty, fear, and pain break upon the shores of your aura how do you stay afloat? I ask myself this again and again and perhaps the answer is that you just don’t. I don’t always float, in fact, sometimes I sink hard and fast. In some moments I am blinded by pain and am unable to see. In other moments I can’t hear anything but muffled noise. This question of presence surfaces and somehow I convince myself to breathe underwater.
I wish I had a ball, a huge crystal ball that I could just easily see into and know everything. How desperately I want to CONTROL everything right now. I want to see how it ends so I can prepare myself for the pain, for the struggles, and eventually the triumph. What if there is no triumph? What if triumph isn’t what I thought? What if I am hurting myself so much more by needing the white knight, the fairytale ending that just doesn’t exist? What if this need to control what I see is just a pattern, a forced program, a societal norm that I am subconsciously still trying to fit into? What if I let go and sink harder and faster.
And I do.
How do you find presence in pain?
I let this wave of presence slam into my every sense.
I let this word PRESENCE carry me up and down with only one thing to control, being in it.
I can’t stay there. The past trauma is deep and it has forced me into self protect mechanisms that make me compartmentalize. This is not all bad, this helps me function, it helps me be a mother, it helps me be an entrepreneur. I allow it to happen because to fight it is futile, it is a part of me and I lean in with acceptance. I am making choices though amidst my trauma that does not allow my trauma to be the only thing that responds. I know myself, I have learned to love her, to understand how she feels, and how she thinks and how the two collide. I know why she compartmentalizes and I don’t judge her for that anymore. I know myself best in the woods, on a yoga mat, or in any moment of breath, so when I feel judgement creeping in, I go to these spaces, these spaces of true knowing and self-love.
Presence is knowing me. Presence is allowing all of me. Presence is going down with the wave and telling myself to breathe even under the metaphorical water. Presence is acceptance of who I am, of loving me doing my best. Presence is carving out space to be in the places I know me best so I can open up a compartment and let the light in. Presence is fear, it is anger, it is sadness. Presence is not knowing how to stop or fix it and surrendering to the waves of pain.
Presence is to feel.
I am feeling, I am feeling deeply under the full moon. I feel the energies of Scorpio already rising even though we are in Libra. I feel the gifts of 13 moons this year and its significance of release. I feel the seeds I planted in March’s new moon and I am humbled by their growth. I feel the impending Mercury retrograde and the disturbances meant to knock things into place, or out of the places they need to course-correct on. I am feeling the pain at this moment knowing that all I can do is surrender, that all I can control is how I respond and I choose to respond with Presence. I choose to feel.
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