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Diary – 4th Week of May

Dear Diary,

Just like the flip of a switch, suddenly joy returns. I found myself amidst a very hard day, cleaning up and packing up more of the studio and yet, I felt lighter. When I got home I had time by the campfire with my family and I found myself laughing. Something shifted. I was still aware of the struggles and being in the storm but for now it feels like I am no longer being tossed about.

I sit with these moments of turbulence and I let them shake me.

I know that it’s the shaking that clears away the dust. It seems there was a lot of dust. Looking back I can see where things got off course, and yet I know they weren’t off, they were stepping stones to where I am this very moment.

This thought makes me wonder, where am I in this moment exactly? The truth is, I have no idea. I am giggling to myself because I feel a little like I am in a Dr. Suess book trying to discern if I am high or low. I know this laughter is good, I am leaning into it. It feels good to laugh at myself, to laugh at where I have landed and to see it through childlike wonder. The more childlike I get, the less fear I have around being unable to control all that is happening.

I pause here in this moment of lightness and try to commit it to memory. I want to remember how it feels to let go of the need to control the outcome with every one of my senses because I want to remember it and return to it. I notice the lightness in my limbs, the scent of sweet grass, and I sink deeper into the joy of my beating heart.

Opening my heart to see things with wonder helps me lean into the possibilities that are manifesting around my new beginning.

Although I relish the heart of the child, I am forced back into adult reality to manage lawyers, utilities, contracts and selling equipment. Despite having to return to harder tasks, I feel lighter. I carve out more time this week for 5 and 10 minute meditations and I bring myself back to that feeling of surrender by remembering how it felt, looked, smelled and tasted. I have slowed down with Asana (yoga poses) this week, for poses in the garden and lifting stones. I notice how grounded I feel. I rest.

I found this week that I napped (never happens) and I slept over 10 hours every night. I know partially from the interrupted sleep of a new puppy, but it’s deeper than that. I notice the stirrings of the new moon. I feel it in my womb and my body begins to communicate its needs. The energy of Gemini has arrived and my mind races. I am suddenly finding myself clear headed and full of needed action and needing to rest all at the same time (typical Gemini twins going in opposite directions).

I honour the need to rest and I meditate.

In meditation, I notice myself in moments comparing myself to others and feeling the “should” be doing coming on and I breathe my way through it. I trust my body and honour its own journey with the moon cycle. I honour that early spring and fall as they are my power energy months and summer and winter are my times for inner learning and slower living. I trust myself and my ability to tune into energy.

As I lean into the trust of my inner wisdom, I become aware of another shift: mercury is preparing to slow down. I can tell by the way my thoughts are unraveling. I slow down more through restorative yoga and meditation because in the stillness, my soul speaks. In the slowness I feel the energy of mercury and unravel what my body needs. I will honour myself. I have faith in my ability to ebb and flow. I have the courage to stay curious, I was made for this.


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Tawny is a born adventurer who has a childlike curiosity about everything, and brings that into all she does. An empath, medical intuitive, yoga teacher, reiki master, massage practitioner, dabbling herbalist and life coach brings a variety of flavour to all she does. After more than 10 years of international work, Tawny has gained a deep passion for leading people into the physical and spiritual realms of human experience.

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