I did it. I opened the window during the storm and I left it open. I let the wind, the hail, and the debris pummel me. It hurt. I let the storm of emotions hurl itself at me until it reshaped my container, the container of who I am.
I always come undone. I know that it’s part of the process. It is not my favorite part, it hurts like hell, but each time it happens I have new tools in my tool kit and even the old ones serve me differently in each new storm that I encounter. I feel a lesson brewing in this storm, a reshaping, a movement from ‘strong’ to ‘wise and strong’.
This is where I am held right now, feeling into what it means to move from strong to strong and wise, this is part of my new container.
My old container was like fort Knox, I could take anything and rise and rise again. I am different now, I am softening because I no longer want to trap love and joy out, which was inevitable when nothing could get in. I am letting down the walls because I don’t need to protect myself with all of my strength.
I have a container now, one I no longer need to apologize for, the container of simply being me.
I am leaning into the softness by trusting my wisdom to guide me knowing my strength is there to carry me when I feel weak. I am learning wise is the soft to the hard of pure strength.
As the window stayed opened I began to let in other storms, the storm of Indigenous trauma, Black Lives Matter, and COVID 19. I have placed them all into a separate container, and I left their windows open too.
The feelings flowed.
Holding space for all of these containers, I hear someone (I can’t remember who) say “if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem”. I bring that into the containers. What does that mean? What do I do with this? Wise, not strong, feel first, ask questions, feel more, sit with it.
Even healers need healing, I know I am battered from these storms. I seek refuge in company to keep me wise and strong in the storms. I call two Shaman friends and sign myself up for their care. I melt and soften further. My soul has messages: Beaver, Porcupine, and a Yellow song bird make their messages known. I am humbled and grateful. I take this healing and add it to my wisdom container, to sit with and feel.
Solstice energy has arrived, I feel different this year.
I can barely speak. I am struggling to celebrate, but my will to honour the Earth fuels me.
I lean into the sun.
I find my yoga mat, I am reverent.
I go inward. I cry.
I can’t contain these tears, so I use my social platform and cry publicly, I care too much to cry alone. I mourn and celebrate all at once. It feels better this way.
I have decided to leave the windows open a while longer. I want to witness the dust after the storm. I want to feel with all my senses what is no longer, what remains, and what will rise. I am ok in the storm, I want to be here.
I want to feel. I want to heal. I know the storm won’t last forever and that I get to use my perception of what beauty remains or is possible. I will bring my wisdom through experience into each container as I allow the process of being undone to slowly build me a wiser and stronger container to go forward in service and soulful alignment. I am strong and wise.