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Diary – 4th Week of January

Dear Diary,

 

This has been a week of awareness and deep learning into who I am and some of my own patterns and limiting beliefs. In a workshop led by Rachel McGarry of Sanctuary IS  we dove into the many ways abundance appears in our lives. 

The Goddess we explored was Lakshmi and we really honed in on how important gratitude for what we already have is to the process of calling in more. Those who follow Lakshmi know that she loathes a dirty or messy house. In the teachings of this story to keep one’s dwelling unkempt is a sign of disrespect and lack of appreciation for what you have already been blessed with, This really hit home for me. After the workshop, I sat in silence in my home and thought of the way I have spoken about it or how I have lived within it.  When I was a backpacker I had only what I could carry on my back and EVERY SINGLE need I had was always met and then some. I felt so free and supported. In this reflection, I realized that while I am no longer a backpacker I long for those feelings and decided that organization and gratitude for the incredible shelter that protects me are needed shifts in my life. For me minimalism isn’t just a fad, it’s my mental welfare. I have to have clear and calm spaces to feel in flow, luminous, and spiritually connected.  

All of this reflection led me to uncover that I have been in a state of grieving. When the studio left my house much of my belongings did too. Due to financial restrictions, I have not been able to rebuild my house. I told myself the story that I was poor, and you know what, I have been. This has been the toughest two months I have endured financially in a very long time and I let myself sink into despair. I decided to embrace Lakshmi and I shifted my thoughts to focus on what I do have. With the help of my neighbors and family I managed to repurpose what odds and ends of furniture I have and turn my house back into a home. On a trade for service basis, I have found someone to come and paint some furniture and I scrounged up enough change to invest in a new set of shelves. I now have a dining room table where I can look at a collage of family pictures which makes me smile every time I sit down. I cuddled with my son on a couch and we watched a movie, something we have never done. I feel blessed beyond words. 

It really hit me how grief can find us in mysterious places. Although the new studio was an immense step forward and has been an incredible blessing I had to allow myself time and presence to grieve its changes.  In giving myself time for awareness I have spent the majority of this week working as hard as I do at work on my personal life and the emotional and mental rewards have already begun to pay out. Thank you, Rachel and Lakshmi, for helping me to remember the universe always provides us with what we need even if it doesn’t look like what we are used to seeing or what we want. Home is what we make of it, with our words, with our actions, with our love. I see and feel this in new ways as a parent, as a growing spiritual human being. As always, I am humbled by this incredible gift called life. 

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