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from fireweed community to Tawny

Diary – 4th Week of August … From Fireweed to Tawny

I like to question things. This is a fact.

My deep love of questioning has led me on a most wondrous winding journey. This journey has had many highs and many lows. I have NOT loved every minute, however I have lived each one and learned to love them for what they were one day at a time.

This love of questioning gets me into some very interesting situations. While I love to question, I am very uncomfortable with confrontation. I am a born people pleaser, scratch that.. I WAS a born people pleaser. As of lately, I feel I have awoken a slumbering bear inside of me. This bear gives me the courage to trust my intuition around questioning and to marry it with my physical ability to lean into the fear of confrontation. At first I felt like this was all Bear Magic, and in many ways I still do. Bear has come to me with great gifts, I am deeply humbled.

As I truly embrace the gifts of Bear what I am unraveling is the deeper understanding of surrender.

Wanting to please people has everything to do with trying to control the outcome. Trying to control the outcome has only ever served to make me feel disconnected, despondent, anxious, hopeless, and helpless because no matter how hard I try to control someone else’s perceptions of me, or someone else’s reactions to me, I just can’t. If you had asked me 6 months ago if I was a control hound, I would have stood tall and defiantly declared absolutely not.

I am a full blown Sagittarius freedom loving hippie.

I roll with the tides. I am coming to discover this was a half truth. I am in fact spontaneous, adventurous, magnetic and down right fascinating. However, my rolling with it meant my ability to change shapes and bow down to the needs of others while trying to manipulate feelings of comfort and happiness and even joy that were never really there, or were never my responsibility.

Something is breaking open in me.

Again. I am awakening to my past patterns, and my past beliefs, and seeing things through the gifted eyes of Bear.

I am strong.
I am wise.
I am intuitive.

The time has come to stop trying to keep everyone and everything comfortable. I have been playing small with my curiosity so as to not “poke the bear”. Now as I stare Bear in the face, I see her smile when I poke and trust myself to lean into the discomfort. Now more than ever, it is a time to question. As a parent I am cracking open under the weight of my own questions more and more each day. It’s a beautiful process and an immense gift my son bestows upon me.

As I question more, I begin to use my privilege to ask more questions of my community. As I begin to ask deeper questions, a deep seeded fear rises within me. People pleasing seems to carry more weight now as I witness an increase in social media shaming, businesses and human beings being threatened, and social platforms being shut down. These things do scare me.

I find myself asking:

  • What happens if I share this?
  • What happens if they take down my social media accounts?
  • What if they fine my business?
  • What if my clients un-follow me and unsubscribe?
  • What if i scare people?
  • What if i do more harm than good?
  • When I am feeling this scared I go back to my roots. Why did I start a business?

My business started off as FIREWEED LEARNING COMMUNITY.

And my mission was to spread 80,000 seeds of resiliency. Fireweed is one of the first plants to rise after a forest fire and brings new hope and new life. Each beautiful magenta plant sends up to 80,000 seeds of regeneration into the devastated landscape.

How can I possibly achieve this mission if I am too afraid to be me.
If I am too afraid to stand tall in my truth.
If I am too afraid to ask questions, how will I continue to grow and inspire change?
How will I model leaning into adversity to my son?
How will he learn to do hard things if I am too scared to try them myself?

I answer my own questions: I can’t.

I see Bear again, clearly. If I do not trust myself, my strength, my heart, my intuition, I am no longer in my soul’s mission. I am no longer living my why of inspiring change and modeling resilience for my son.

This cracks open more of the fear and lets the light back in. I signed up to be here, right now in this moment, on this planet, in this energetic form. I signed up to raise my son to be an empowered leader, I signed up for the long game of entrepreneurial living. Carving out ways to do this and to be self-sustainable while fulfilling my soulful mission is a ginormous challenge. There is no way to prepare for everything that can go wrong or how uncomfortable parts of it will feel. No matter, I made a choice, and what I do with my choice to live is up to me.

I am staring that healthy fear in the face.

I see you, I feel you, and I am grateful for your presence. With Bear’s Wisdom within me I am going to live my life in full throttle and dance as often as I can along the way. I am going to try and stay somewhat aware of what is happening in my community and how my words affect them, and above all, I will stay true to what feels like my own truth and continue to question so I am always checking in with what feels right to me.

I am hell bent on co-creating a sustainable regenerative community and I will dedicate my life to making it successful for people and the earth simultaneously. I will strive to create a model that many generations to come can follow and thrive with. I will die trying.

I know I am not a healer. I am a human. I NEVER want anyone to follow what I say without question. I believe true healing is a practice and a process that we must do from within. I am merely a guide to encourage people to question. Much like that fireweed plant releases its seeds, it can’t know where the seeds will fly, I can not know where the questions I ask, the models I create, or the life I live will take anyone, not even me.

THIS IS STILL MY MISSION

Facebook began a censorship campaign around the legalization of *marijuana*. Although my business has nothing to do with that plant, the name was enough for them to deem me “un-viewable”. I know that words have meaning, but I also know there is always a work around. I chose to respond with a re-brand led by my spirit guides.

I re-emerge as Tawny.


Do you find yourself looking for the opportunity for change too? Are you at least curious? When you are a member of the Beyond Yoga and Meditation Online Membership, you gain access to all kinds of tools to help you tap into your truest potential.I am honoured to share that 10% OF ALL MEMBERSHIP AND E-COURSE SALES ARE NOW GOING TO RAVENTRUST!

RavenTrust

Healing from Within is pleased to support RAVEN (Respecting Aboriginal Values and Environmental Needs).
RAVEN is the only non-profit charitable organization in Canada that uses the power of the crowd to fund access to justice for Indigenous Peoples.

When successful, the legal actions of RAVEN’s Indigenous partners set precedents for future cases and advance legal rights and title.
They also create significant environmental benefits.

Supporting Indigenous-led initiatives is an effective way to curtail unsustainable industrial development and drive systemic change.

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