I am having profound experiences with the power of words lately. They seem to surface in that space between awake and asleep, a download, and then they teach me their meaning through the unfolding of my life.
2018 was about words that started with C: Curiosity, Connection, and Courage. Quite honestly, I didn’t think ANY word could be harder than Courage. I was wrong. What I am now learning is it has NOTHING to do with HOW HARD and everything to do with HOW DEEP.
In my body, what is happening with Ascension is depth. I am seeing colours; especially Chakra colours with more vibrancy. I am moving through emotions in new ways and I am learning the depth of words in a heightened and powerful way.
At the moment, I seem to have switched from C words to R words. Once again, I’m experiencing the power of words:
What is interesting to me is when I dive into these C words and R words, they are deeply connected and for the first time ever, I am feeling their direct connection to my life path and soul purpose.
This week, I lived 3 months in a day for 7 straight days. The full moon illuminated my path. It showed me what I had to let go of. I hung my head low all week, I cried a lot. Letting go is not always easy, especially when coming face to face with Ego.
I was so angry at myself for making mistakes, for signing a 3 year business lease, for putting my family at such risk, for taking business for granted, for not diversifying….the list of ways to beat myself up went a fair bit longer. No matter the length of the list, two facts remained unchanged:
1) I did NOT create COVID.
2) I cannot stop the LOSS of my studio.
I worked harder than I have ever worked to open a yoga studio.
I put everything into it: my savings, my inheritance, my blood, sweat and tears. I believed in it and I believed I could succeed. I gambled. I knew I didn’t have a partner with an income to float my family and that there was only me; make it or break it. Well I lost. I am packing up, and have been all week and it has broken my ego into pieces, my heart is aching, and my soul is grieving.
My body laboured to move out of the studio quickly in an effort to try to honour my landlord by giving him as much time to rent it. I furiously posted yoga equipment for sale to try and make another month’s rent and all of this as my heart breaks for my landlord’s. I have never felt more shame in walking out on people then I do with them. I found myself with less help than planned.
My stepdad slipped on a stair and is coping with pain that feels worse than a break in a tendon on the bottom of his foot. While it put us a day in hospital (twice this week for him with one scare of heart failure) and laid him up and CLEARLY highlighted the need to move him out of his man cave basement (his hiding space and chosen spot to mostly hangout) and up to a life of single floor living with my mom.
As much as the timing was shit, it also opened up an ideal location to utilize some of my furniture from the studio which was now needing a home.
I hit the floor. I pounded my fists, and I sobbed. I sobbed and I am still having outbursts of tears. Everything I am feeling triggers failed marriages, broken relationships, conflict with parents as a child and makes me, in this moment, feel unloveable, unworthy, and a total failure. In this space, the past is revealed to me. I lean in hard. I open my heart to forgive myself, to love myself despite the pain.
I make a choice to choose love.
I choose to acknowledge pain and I SCREAM IT OUT between broken sobs. I hear my guides, it’s time for the resurrection. I must rise above the self hate, shame, guilt, and release it to love. I have lived a life of hard lessons, this is another one but there will be more. I hear my guides “YELL” ‘ask for help’. Through my tears, I message a few souls who respond to my cries and in minutes, they will be there to help. I am not alone. Not every relationship is falling apart, not every relationship is hard, some come easier than others. I create a container for my pain, my suffering, and I transmute it into opportunity.
I see how my life’s choices in this one moment are helping me spring into action.
Revelation begins, I can see how every perceived failure has a lesson, a tool, and as I sob, they come into focus. I have tools, in fact, I have many. I begin putting the pieces of my life into containers where they can be honoured and never compared. In this process, I rise stronger. I hear my guides again, loving me despite the pain. They repeat: THIS IS RESILIENCE.
I look in my toolbelt and I begin using meditation, breath, and yoga to assist me. I get some time in the garden to ground me. I find my flow of creativity and share my tools with my online community, and I lean into divine calling, knowing I am supported.
I have a choice.
I can choose to use fear to hold me down, paralyzed. I can choose to stay in self loathing, choose to never love again or never try again on a big scale. I can also choose to accept and learn from all that has transpired.
I have a response – ability: FREE WILL is my GOD GIVEN RIGHT.
I am choosing. I am choosing love, I am choosing my son, I am choosing to try again, to reframe, to rebuild, to reconnect. I am choosing to lean into the revelation and allow the resurrection knowing it will look so different than the layer I am leaving behind, and it’s scary, and that is okay because it is also filled with possibility.
The letters shift again in vibrancy.
The power of words.
Finally FAITH, FEEL and FREE.
I have FAITH in me, in my guides, in ascension, in change, in the Earth, and in humanity. I am resilient and so I am leaning into the uncomfortable.
I was born to FEEL. These are not my favorite emotions, but they are a part of me and every part of me is a divine gift of love.
I am FREE to feel and that makes my fire begin to once again burn brighter.
Tawny is a born adventurer who has a childlike curiosity about everything, and brings that into all she does. An empath, medical intuitive, yoga teacher, reiki master, massage practitioner , dabbling herbalist and life coach brings a variety of flavour to all she does. After more than 10 years of international work, Tawny has gained a deep passion for leading people into the physical and spiritual realms of human experience.