Do you ever get it wrong? Do you ever fail? What are these words anyway and what do they actually mean? I found myself this week with my insides on the outside (it felt like I was coming undone) and I was deeply uncomfortable being me. As these deep thoughts hounded me, I began to squirm. I couldn’t sit still and I pushed myself right into collapse. I need to know why.
Why do I do this to myself?
I look up at the sky, I FEEL YOU MERCURY. I FEEL YOU SATURN. I FEEL YOU VENUS. YES PLUTO I FEEL YOU TOO. I know retrograde is upon us and I am in the middle of an epic eclipse season. This gives me a rationale for how inside out I feel. However, it does not give me the depth, I must work at that. It falls on me to acknowledge the cosmic energies that can help illuminate growth and it’s me who has to do the growing.
To fully lean into the growth, I must go to war. My hope is not everyone feels this battle, and maybe it is my hope because this battle inside of me is an alchemical process that is a true gift, the gift of life. The battle is to find harmony between my mind, body, and soul.
My mind desperately wants a why for some of the things I do, and my mind definitely wants a why for the amount of pain I am trying to convince it to lean into.
My heart is saying feel damn you feel, it’s the way to heal.
My mind begs to differ and simply wishes to protect me.
And so in I go inward. I experience yoga, tea, meditation, walking, and any other tool in my toolbox to help me through this agonizing discomfort. Courageously I ask for help, first of the divine, then of chosen few, and last of myself. I lean in.
I realized how conditioned I have become to have FEAR of pain.
I associate pain with being alone and I definitely associate pain with the FEAR of being wrong, failing, and discomfort. As I write this I have an “a-ha”………my mind believes that failing discomfort and being wrong are all causes for being ALONE, like a punishment or banishment. Interesting. What am I really afraid of then, pain, or the pain of being alone? At this moment I feel like its a bit of both.
On some levels as a Mystic, I fully accept and even find some joy in my path to be ahead. This is not alone per-se, it means there are others, I am just the one holding the flashlight and taking the first steps. On a deeper level, I fear that those first steps sometimes creates a distance I can’t explain that leaves me feeling alone. When I look at it this way, I easily understand my need to self-sabotage going first, I am afraid.
Calling out this fear gives me power. I have named it and now I can face it.
I am looking inward, noticing a pattern in my life. I find it so easy to include people or let them in when I feel like I am on top of things, my face is washed, my teeth are brushed, my house is clean, my child is healthy, my business is thriving.
I shut down and do not let anyone in when I feel like a failure. Failure sounds so harsh, but to me it’s the moments that I am uncomfortable. The moments when I am so deep in feeling that I can barely keep it together, get food on the table, or turn up as any resemblance of whole. When things come apart, I feel like a failure and that makes me feel like I deserve to be alone, like I have done something wrong.
So much power in coming undone for me. It is when I come undone that I rise in ways I never knew possible. It’s when I come undone and ultimately fail, that the discomfort takes me so deep into a new way of being.
The grief transforms me, every single time.
I worked hard with these thoughts this week. I shut down and then I cried a lot. I cried for me, but I cried for humanity too. I know that these big thoughts do not belong just to me. I know that as a society we have bred this fear of pain, we have nurtured and encouraged everyone to just stay happy. As the world moves at lightning speed, more illusion breaks apart and we have a chance to look at feelings, darkness, and discomfort in a new light. I came up with some really hard questions. Questions that I don’t believe are meant to be answered in a single sitting. I believe that hard questions help us to grow and the answers continually change with our growth.
I have a vision of a tent, a lodge, a fire, herbs, tea, and women.
We gather and we discuss these questions. We bravely dive into the dark, NEVER alone. We hold each other accountable for truth, to push past our perceptions, and dig into our potential. We do it with love, kindness, compassion. It’s easy for me to envision doing this in a tent for others, the struggle was doing it for myself.
This week will be all about holding space for me.
I will be working at loving me in new ways as I conquer my newly named fear. I will love myself with the kindness I bestow on my child, on my friends and on my clients, this time that same kindness will be for me. It is a new practice, and like anything new, I expect it to be a challenge. I may fall, but I will get back up and try again and again. As I think about this practice, I know why the elders who used to be the healers of the village, were so cared for. It is immensely challenging to take care of me while caring for everyone else, I feel like this is my big wake-up call from the cosmic planetary alignment.
As I allow Mercury Retrograde to keep turning me inside out, I will ponder what my needs really are. I will dream of things I “perceive” as impossible, and explore how I can communicate or exchange with my community in new or different ways.
Anything is possible. It’s time to dream and reflect and lean into the magic of coming undone.
teach you what it is and how it affects us AND will be your companion LIVE daily during our upcoming Mercury Retrograde June 18 – July 12.
AND if you’re interested, learn about why I see Mercury Retrograde as a Blessing and Not a Curse.