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my son turned four

Diary – 3rd Week of July … My Son Turned Four

And just like that, my son turned four. This means that I have been a mamma for 4 years plus the 9 months of him in my belly. This feels like a turning year. I have been pondering if this big turning point has to do with me, or if it’s a greater part of the collective.

I was reflecting with a friend on how as my son turned four I feel like I can finally soften.

I reflected on how I felt as if the past 4 years had heavily been spent in my masculine energy. It felt like the only surface of feminine energy was a fierceness of keeping a small child alive. The rest of me felt caught up in a raging war, destruction of who I was, and a constant fight to uncover who I could be as a new mom.

As a very single parent from early pregnancy, I had begun my journey into mammahood as a war. I fought to determine whether to keep the unborn child, I fought for a safe space to have the child, I fought through having the child with labour complications, and then I fought to stay alive through infection, adrenal failure, hypothyroid and type 2 diabetes. Our early life was not easy. I fought to keep my son alive because I could barely keep me alive. As I lived through each battle, I eventually began to battle myself. I fell into hardness, anger, anxiety, blame, over-productivity, depression, and guilt. (Check out Opening the Senses Of The Soul for an understanding of values according to the industrial age and the feminine rising co-creative age)

I can’t help but wonder if this is caused by cultural and societal programming. As I look back on how hard it was for me, I ask myself what it would have been like to birth in a village, to have sisters and aunties making food and helping clean.

I wonder what it would have felt like to be a part of a community instead of alone.

I wonder what it would have felt like to know that returning to work simply meant playing with my child while cooking and cleaning, or how it would feel knowing that Aunties and Grandmas would be with my child all day while I worked and returned home to be all together.

Would I have still felt like I was at war?
Would I have battled myself so brutally?
Would I have fallen into the very same feelings of anger and depression if I had been surrounded by love?

As I feel myself end the war, I slide into:
Mindfulness
Responsibility
Purpose
Balance
Respect
and Love

I have space now to soften but I ask myself is it because my son turned four or is it because the world went sideways?

COVID flushed out my values.

It exploited my cracks and it broke me in all the right places. I can’t do this game of life alone and feel luminous, spiritual, prosperous, and purposeful (my core desired feelings). This realization made me open up. It made me soften, it made me seek and solidify relationships that share my values. It gave me space to ask for help and be okay saying yes. And I said yes.

Here we are having the best summer of our life.

We both have a healthy glow, we are active, we are outside, we are present with each other, we are learning and growing together, we are vibrant and we are supported.

I feel as if the COVID crisis gave a bunch of us permission to ask for help, and finally, I feel a part of a small village where love is our guiding light.

I find myself letting go of the masculine need to fight and channeling that masculine into holding boundaries and containers for my values. I find my feminine rising constantly and becoming an advocate for not just me and my child but for all the women and children of the Earth. I find my feminine flowing in the safety created by my masculine knowing he will fight to defend my needs of space and creativity and softness.

I feel peace with who I am and who I am not and in recognizing my limitations only to discover that they are in many cases opportunities.

This has always been my gift: finding opportunities. it’s why I am blessed with the name Tawny (owl). It seems to have shifted some because in the past I saw opportunities only for others, and now I can see in the dark for myself too.


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