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Diary – 3rd Week of January

Dear Diary,

 

Family dynamics are interesting. What intrigues me the most is how the perception of family can change so many times and be shaken to the core at the most challenging times. My Grandma passed this week, and it has brought up so much surrounding this side of the family and the immense feelings of judgment. While I know what someone else thinks of me is none of my business, it’s incredible how the death of a loved one finds ways to have these feelings brought to light, as if they too can rest at peace as the only glue between connections departs her earthly vessel. For me the hardest part is watching my mom suffer, I remember losing my dad like it was yesterday and the immense grief that consumed me for months. I know this is a part of the process and it is my best gift to hold space, but it isn’t easy to watch.

 

Looking at family lineage, I allowed myself to shift to the witness and I brought awareness to many family patterns. From this place I could see the many opportunities of shadow and light that have played throughout our family for years. As coincidence would have it, while already in deep reflection on the energy of death and rebirth, I was lucky to head into a women’s circle to celebrate the goddess Lakshmi. My dear friend Rachel McGarry led us into a discovery of the shadow and light aspects of this Goddess and where that could be turning up in our lives. I had a hard look at status, stories around money, compassion, vitality, and gratitude. This guided meditation and reflection process helped me to identify my own inner patterns and areas where I could welcome in more abundance and make long-lasting shifts to be open to receive.

 

Feeling blissed out I returned to family life and I am looking around at the many changes I am making to feel rooted, connected and present in my home. The shifting around of things is an uncomfortable process for me, I find my trauma surfaces when things in a house are not permanent. Money restrictions stops me from finishing this project in one shot and so I am finding I must open my heart to self compassion. My child self is freaking out with the chaos of change and yet a greater part of my soul is thriving on the possibility. The two have been arguing this week but as I devote a bit more time this weekend to another layer of re-building my home I am filled with trust that I am on the right path. Today’s workshop reminded me sometimes we must allow things to die to release them so that something new can be reborn, I am open to receive, I trust myself, I follow my heart, and I flow like water.