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Diary – 3rd Week of February

Dear Diary,

When things end it can be a good thing, but they still end. This week the end is good, the end of me bearing the responsibility of 71 families alone ended, the burden of me needing to have answers to everything alone ended, and the burden of safety was transferred to the police.  These are all ends worthy of celebrating and my body sensed the end. 

I have this incredible ability to compartmentalize and shut down. I can get way down deep into trauma and survive, endure almost anything.

When I found myself the president of the board of directors now under a fraud investigation and involved in a missing persons case, I went into this trauma state, I locked down into survival mode. I try not to judge myself too harshly here, but it’s not easy because I know in my head what the trauma state does to my overall well-being and how shutting down impacts my ability to receive love and be present with my son. In this state I can’t ask for help, I don’t know how. I simply survive. I spent the last two weeks surviving. This state undoes all my healthy eating, sleep, yoga, meditation, supplements and in an instant and my gut lining breaks down. My weak spot is my lungs, once my stomach is in a state of dis-ease my lungs fill with compressed fluid and I begin to laboriously breathe. Eventually the trauma takes over and the physical symptoms get so strong I am forced to my knees and bed ridden. 

traumaAs the week came to a close my physical body surrendered to the three day weekend and went through the trauma process, and as always it brought me to my knees. It’s hard writing this, I want to judge myself for taking on too much, for doing something wrong, for not being able to ask for help, that I called this upon myself, that it’s my energy that attracted this, but that’s all pure bullshit, and I know it. I can see the many opportunities in this to learn but I didn’t call any of this upon myself nor did I do anything wrong, that is just the lineage of trauma. I won’t judge myself for what I did or didn’t do and instead I will marvel at the miracles I achieved.

Despite trauma I managed to speak to my body to ask where it needed me to start. I asked garlic to work as an antibiotic, raw honey as a pre-biotic, and turmeric, mustard, and oregano as ways to remove damp and inflammation. I prayed to marshmallow root and used steam and peppermint. I held circle for myself and had reverence for the plant kingdom and gave gratitude for the abundance to access all of these things. I listened to the plants and let them guide me on my protocol, I moved in waves with my body listening for ways to get through the three day crisis.

I know this three day mark the worst three days and if I can hold fast to love, release fear, trust myself and have faith in what I know, I can break the crest of intense suffering I can ride the sickness out knowing I am back in control of the ship. I am blessed that in my toolkit and self-healing from trauma I have learned to feel, smell, listen, touch and trust my senses. I have learned how to tune into where I am sick and ask my body how I can help it. 

In the past if I had been dealt a blow like this, I would be hospitalized, medicated, and take months to recover. Here I am writing to you diary, a little stuffy in the nose but clear headed and rid of the smell of infection. In three days I cleared what would have taken me 3 weeks to a year to recover from. I may have landed back into a pattern of trauma but I knew how to get myself out. 

I am celebrating today, not just the end of a traumatic ordeal, but I am celebrating me. I am celebrating my ability to stay standing, to choose to stay and see this fight through with healthy boundaries as opposed to in flight or freeze mode. I am celebrating that I can listen to my body and heal myself. The Biggest win for me is celebrating my son who knew I was sick and suffering. He used his own intuition to ask to stay with his grandparents. Him knowing I needed to focus on me, gave me the 13 hours respite I needed to ride the worst of the crest back into the zone of a manageable sickness. The entire situation sucked, I won’t turn that into a positive, but I will celebrate that it is over and marvel at the woman I have become. 

With reverence,
Tawny