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Getting It Wrong

Diary – 2nd Week of July … Getting It Wrong

I am learning to be ok with getting it “wrong”.

It used to be so hard for me, I would get so defensive, so crushed, so broken with shame and guilt around being “wrong”. I feel deeply, so when I am “wrong”, I feel my own feelings about getting it “wrong” but I have a tendency to feel other people’s feelings too. The “wrongness” of my own action combined with internalizing other people’s feelings felt unbearable.

I used to internalize all the feelings of being “wrong” as a way to place value on my worth. When I was “wrong” it meant I was not valuable and I was not worthy of love. I would feel so unworthy of love that I stopped loving me and so I would drink a glass of wine, to numb the pain of what a failure I am.

As I reflect, I realize that I often had the courage to try, despite my fear of being “wrong”.

It is when I got it “wrong” or perceived it to be “wrong” (what is “wrong” and “right” anyway) it became a way to punish myself. The bigger I lived, the more risks I took, the more proof I was unworthy of love. I continued to attract more people into my life that unfortunately helped me to keep telling that story.

Lately, I have been getting it wrong (more like “wrong”) a lot but something has drastically changed.

I am ok with being “wrong”.
I am ok with making mistakes.
I now view making mistakes and getting it “wrong” as part of my soulful growth.

It still hurts to get things “wrong”, especially with people I love, but the growth is worth it. Parenting teaches me often how “wrong” I am and it is far from pretty. Parenting also teaches me that I can love despite getting it “wrong”, both me and my son unconditionally.

Parenting is not the only place I go “wrong”.

I made choices to stay moving during COVID. I refused to let fear paralyze me and I began to roll with the waves of change. Roll is a great description because there was very little cautious placement; it was simply momentum.

I created a membership, I launched an e-course and I reached nearly no one. This hurt, but I no longer attach my value or the value of my work to the people that I reach.

I kept moving forward for me.

I needed to lean into the tools in my toolbox: yoga, meditation, crystals, plants, astrology, to feel sane in a time when my mind could not comprehend the losses surrounding me. Funny, it’s the loss that got me to plants and yoga in the first place, it seems they have long been a part of my destiny to cope with change.

I tried sharing my tools on socials, I led a meditation challenge, live. I went “wrong” here too. I went live in my group, I went live really early, and I reached very few people. I also forgot about my mooncycle and the few people who were getting up for the challenge, I let down on three days of the 25. I couldn’t move and I chose to honour me and sleep knowing I was getting it “wrong”.

If I interpreted numbers of views, comments, subscribers, and paying clients as the definition of who I am, I would have no value, and be unworthy.

I no longer let my job define me.

I turn up as me, and invite everyone who is curious, to join me in whatever that may look like. I try hard to avoid promises I can’t keep, but sometimes make mistakes. I own them, I clean up where I can, and I love myself no matter what.

I still have that same courage that took me across the world for five years on working holidays, visas, and three continents. I still have the courage to try new things in my parenting, in my personal life, and in my business.

Now I see that courage as the defining characteristic I love about me, and I no longer need to numb for consequences of my courageous action.

I no longer try to avoid the pain or reward of what happens when I am courageous in trying to keep moving.

I have learned that my true courage is not in taking the action, it is in riding out and feeling into all the emotions of trying and all the exploration of where it takes me. I use yoga and meditation now to lean into how I am feeling, instead of avoiding it. This is how I am finally ok being “wrong”.

This mercury retrograde is not quite done and it’s still showing me a lot of things I had “wrong”.

The beauty in learning what wasn’t right for me is that it is illuminating what truly aligns with my soul’s calling. I have more reflection to do to fully grasp how my life has shifted. There are still a few loose ends that need tying up, some areas I have to clean up, that are all part of my growth.

Before I allow the momentum of Leo to sweep me up with pride and glory, I will lean in a little deeper right where I am.


I am honoured to share that 10% OF ALL MEMBERSHIP AND E-COURSE SALES ARE NOW GOING TO RAVENTRUST!

RavenTrust

Healing from Within is pleased to support RAVEN (Respecting Aboriginal Values and Environmental Needs).
RAVEN is the only non-profit charitable organization in Canada that uses the power of the crowd to fund access to justice for Indigenous Peoples.

When successful, the legal actions of RAVEN’s Indigenous partners set precedents for future cases and advance legal rights and title.
They also create significant environmental benefits.

Supporting Indigenous-led initiatives is an effective way to curtail unsustainable industrial development and drive systemic change.

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