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Diary – 2nd Week of January

Dear Diary,

Today I have a people hangover. I read in a post today about the reminder of expansion and contraction and it really resonated for me. Yesterday was so expansive and today I need a little contraction. I am settled in, all comfy in my office with low lighting, lots of warmth and scents that comfort and soothe my soul.  I love belonging to inspiring groups because they always offer me a chance to see things through a different lense, this idea of contraction and expansion happened at warp speed all last week.

Increasing Safety

Last week was super bumpy. I started the week back with a very unexpected visitor in my studio. As a business owner and woman, this visit made me realize how little I have paid attention to safety. This experience really shook me up.  I began to shake and tremble everywhere in my body and it took two days of allowing this event to move through my body to return to feeling safe within. I spent lots of time journaling and I got to some of the root emotions and much of it came down to self-worth. 

When I was younger I lived in big cities and I traveled the world alone. I was NEVER afraid. I put myself in countless situations that may have been dangerous without a care in the world. On some level, I am sure my naivety contributed to my safety because I was never vibrating or acting out of fear. I acted quickly and always trusted how I felt. I’ll be honest it was freeing and I loved it. As time has gone on and many experiences later I know more about what can go wrong but the biggest shift for me has been having a child.

As a single mom, one of my greatest fears is not being able to care for my son. I am not afraid of dying myself but the idea of leaving him here alone with no other parent scares me to the core. Last week I realized how much this fear has been weighing on me and how now that he is too big for me to carry long distances I feel more vulnerable. As I journaled all of this out I began to see opportunities for how I can make changes like getting a will in place and working on strength training. It became clear that a big part of what happened last week was a reflection of fear and where it is turning up in my life at the moment. I let myself sit in the fear for those two days and then I began to lean into opportunities. 

Shifting My State Of Mind

To help shift my mind, I used patchouli, neroli, chamomile and lavender oils in my diffuser. This helped me work on calming my nervous system and finding some restful sleep. I took a yoga practice with a mentor to move through my fear response and worked on many breath practices the entire week. I reached out to trusted friends and I had big conversations and it truly helped me process all I was thinking and feeling. This week I am going for counseling because I need more help with some trauma that resurfaced as a trigger and finding ways to dislodge it from my body. 

I trust myself. My mind has a role and safety and self-preservation are important. I realize that to soothe my mind I have to find safety again within my body and I am taking steps all week to ensure this process continues. Growth is continuous, life is ever-changing, I am alive and I am committed to courageously choosing love over fear. 

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