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Diary – 2nd week of February

Dear Diary,

 

Dear Diary,

As a balls to the wall full blown Sagittarius I live life full speed. I chose courage for my word in 218 not because I need help taking action but because I need help loving myself. In a world where I am game for anything, I make a ton of mistakes, I needed courage as a word to remind me that despite getting things wrong and despite making a 1000 mistakes, my worth is not connected to my failures or my successes period. My value as a human, my beauty as a soul has nothing to do with my interpretation of win or fail. This takes courage. It takes immense courage to turn up and fail and even more courage to admit it.

This week I have been slammed. I have no one to blame, I willingly chose to be a single parent, to embody the Mystic archetype, to volunteer on the Board of Directors at the Co-Op, to be an entrepreneur. This isn’t about blame not even of myself but is about awareness of how when you live life full out it can full out turn upside down. With events failing, clients rescheduling because of teacher strikes, and the co-op in crisis mode, I felt my busy world collide. In many moments I questioned myself first as a parent, the first place I go is how I am letting my son down. I could tell how short I was with him, how he has caught the brunt of my lack of time, and how angry I am at myself for putting us in this situation. This anger had me doubting my role as an entrepreneur. I could hear all the voices of people who have told me I am crazy, that you can’t succeed teaching yoga, that nobody books massages during the day and if I don’t work evenings I will fail, that entrepreneurship is for couples where one person has a study income, and I have to admit this week I believed them all. This week I was certain those voices, those naysayers were right and that I need to quit. I heard myself say “you gave it a valiant effort, admit it you can’t do this”….and i opened my studio, and i hit the hardwood floors on my knees. I sobbed, and I sobbed, and I crawled to the center. I stared at everything I have created the voices, hearts, and moments that have transpired in there and I sobbed even harder.

 

Eventually images of my son flooded back into my awareness and of all the dreams I have for us, like no before and after school care, like holidays off during school breaks. Everything felt like it went wrong this week, everything and yet I know I have to get back up. I know I have a choice and I choose love. Fear was strong this week as everything crumbled and I was forcefully shown how little I can control external sources, and yet the force of love for my son helped me begin to rise. As I crawled up to seated I hugged myself tightly for having the courage to accept I am trying my best and that when things fail its an opportunity to try things differently. Last week was hard, and this week might be too, but with courage I go forward curious enough to explore a new path knowing that integrity is and always will be foundation. If I leave my son with only this, then really no matter how much I fail, for me that’s a win. Life isn’t meant to be easy but I get to choose how I go through it, and I choose this path and love to lead the way.