Conflict, contrast, confrontation. All of these words are embedded in connection, yet I dislike how uncomfortable they make me feel. I find myself constantly trying to avoid conflict; desperately wanting to avoid confrontation because I get stuck in that old belief that we are always supposed to feel happy and “good”. I am discovering a personal truth: I don’t like to hurt. I am not saying anyone does but what I am really drawing awareness around is how damn good I used to be at avoiding it, until now.
It seems (and this is over dramatic I am sure) that this week, all the years I spent numbing, dodging, and peacekeeping to avoid pain caught up to me. In every aspect of my life, this week there was conflict, organizations, business, family, and pets. I know that the 5 planets in retrograde has a lot to do with this, but no matter the reason it sucked, it has been utterly shittastic.
In so many ways, I felt like a failure this week. With each conflict I berated myself for how I handled it. I tried to justify my behavior by sharing with people who support me and every time I told someone what was happening, I hated myself a little more. As I followed the rabbit hole of shame and guilt and self loathing, I got angry. I don’t know why I feel I have to justify the way I feel.
I am so damn conditioned to apologize for how I feel because it might be wrong or upset someone else. Why the hell can’t i just feel and own it? I hit my yoga mat, I asked myself this big question and I wept. I wept for me, for my inner child, for society. I wept in rage and love for how I still keep myself separated from connection so I don’t have to justify how I feel. This awareness on my yoga mat was painful because no amount of yoga will shift it, but I can lean into here, in this safe space my mat.
As the rawness of how I approach feeling began to settle, I felt exposed. I felt like I was walking inside out and it seems that the universe had way more learning around conflict for me. In the span of moments, I went from only having conflict in the external world to continuous conflict and right within my very sacred space: my son and my puppy began giving me a run for my money. In every second of every day they pushed boundaries, or rather buttons, to expose my lack of being able to hold boundaries. I felt like I would get something right with one only to fall flat on my face with the other. The pain and discomfort I had felt with the external world over conflict was nothing compared to what unfolded with my family.
My heart broke into pieces.
I felt paralyzed by pain as I finally broke down and sobbed at my son. He pushed hard and I am responsible for letting him, and in the final moment, there was nothing left to push, only a break. I don’t know if it’s wrong or right to cry in front of your kids when it’s because of them. I don’t ever want him to feel like my emotional well-being is his responsibility or that he has to be well behaved to keep me happy. It was just that he hit a nerve, a pain point connected to a fear so deep that all the strength in me drained in an instant and I sobbed.
In those moments I wish more than anything I had a partner.
In those moments when I have broken, I wish I could be stronger for my son and never have done that.
In those moments, I pray for forgiveness and for help from the divine for me and my son.
Knowing growth is part of the process, knowing that this amount of conflict is necessary for growth doesn’t help. Knowing does not take away the pain. No amount of knowing can change this. This is not about the mind, this is about the heart. It has come to a point on my spiritual path where I must feel. It is time for me to speak how I feel and own it in a safe container of needing to be wrong or right. Just a simple truth, my truth in that moment. It is time for me to accept what I know is only one part I must feel and give myself permission to come undone. I am not a perfect parent, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect neighbour, perfect teacher or perfect dog owner.
It’s time I stop trying to be.
I am sure what happened between me and my son scarred us both today. I can’t undo it. I have to love us both despite the damage. I find it so easy to love him, in any moment. I must give myself the very same grace.
This week I wept.
I wept more than I have in years. I wept that my Dad is departed and I lost him when I lost the studio this week (a venture I funded through his death).
I wept that I cannot afford a 300 hour yoga teacher training.
I wept that I cannot send my son to the school I dreamt of.
I wept for how vulnerable I felt as a single, Metis woman in a pandemic.
I wept for broken dreams, for being two parents and showing up as less than half of one.
I wept for saying yes to a puppy.
I wept for humanity and what we have become.
I wept for the earth.
I feel tears constantly bubble and stream down my face at random moments, and I am not sure I am even close to done yet. I will heal, the plants will help me. I lose myself in the dirt, in the garden, in creating new life, in hope. The plants will help me, in tea, in essential oils, in presence for as I weep to them I feel them hear me and in those moments I remember I am not in this alone. Somewhere deep in the echos of my soul I hear Maya Angelou…
“and still I rise”…..and I will, just not today.
I invite you to stay curious.
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Tawny is a born adventurer who has a childlike curiosity about everything, and brings that into all she does. An empath, medical intuitive, yoga teacher, reiki master, massage practitioner, dabbling herbalist and life coach brings a variety of flavour to all she does. After more than 10 years of international work, Tawny has gained a deep passion for leading people into the physical and spiritual realms of human experience.