I am equal parts anguish and relief. Making life-altering decisions is hard.
I had a moment, a break down (ahem breakthrough) where I paused and saw my life.
I left my body standing in the kitchen while doing dishes and hovered.
I saw my family, my business, but mostly I felt my heart. It was hurting and screaming for my attention. I hovered a little longer and suddenly a movie reel of my life over the past three months began in fast forward. I saw snippets of all I have endured and also snippets of what is to come. In this hovering state, I gave myself permission to acknowledge the pain, to welcome it without judgment. I let myself watch from the outside only as an observer so that I could empathetically care and love the woman who is me in that film.
This was powerful.
I am not sure why I find it so easy to love others and so hard to love myself.
In this pause, I found that love.
I came back to reality and I sobbed. I sobbed in anguish for what I witnessed and relief for being willing to accept my life as it is without judgment.
I need more room for joy.
I need more room to thrive.
I need more room to fill my own cup so I can be the mother, daughter, friend, entrepreneur that I long to be.
To make room for this joy I had to break a few hearts, mine included. To allow more joy I had to let go of my pride, let go of being too proud to admit being wrong, and clean up.
Making life-altering decisions is hard. PERIOD.
When the decisions affect others it’s so hard to admit my role in it.
I would rather judge and blame and avoid the truth and stay in suffering then make necessary changes….or so I thought.
As the gift of hovering so gracefully illuminated, I had the power to change that story.
I had the power to love me for all my decisions; the ones that work out well and the ones that don’t.
Over the next few days, I have a chance to model for my son what it is like to do hard things. I have the opportunity to show him what caring and compassion really mean and also self-love. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not meant to be, but it will define me, my values, and show my son what staying in integrity is all about.
I know that at the age of 4, he won’t get all of it, he isn’t meant to, I am nearly 40 and I am only beginning to get it.
It’s only been the last few months that I have suddenly decided it’s time to die like I am living.
Each day I open my eyes is a blessing.
Each day I have an opportunity to be the best version of myself.
I no longer want to wait to think I am dying before I live. I don’t want to live recklessly like I have nothing to lose, but I do want to embody fully living.
Not later, Now.
Each day I use up some of the timebank that is my life, when I remember this it helps me lean into the awkward, the hard, the uncomfortable, and sometimes even the suffering so that I can choose who I want to be while I am here.
Sign up for my upcoming Mercury Retrograde Companion Series where I will help you understand how to prep for Mercury Retrograde, teach you what it is and how it affects us AND will be your companion LIVE daily during our upcoming Mercury Retrograde June 18 – July 12. Together, we can be strong and wise.