I came undone.
I got down on the ground, I begged, pleaded, I kicked my legs, I pounded my fists, I self sabotaged, I questioned, and I sobbed. THEN, I got back up! Through most of my life I have been strong, I have been resourceful, and I have been adaptable. I have made it through tough times and lived adventures many are too afraid to try. Throughout all of my life though when I have really hit a wall, a rock bottom, an insurmountable, I have to break before I can heal, get totally lost before I can found….then and only then can I surrender. It is in surrender that I find peace, connection, and true wisdom. In surrender I return to an innate knowing I am not alone, that I am connected to the divine and am able to not just ask for help, but allow it in.
As I gave myself space this week to grieve, reflect and come apart, I was able to process pain, suffering, sadness and loss. This week has felt like a really bad break-up, quitting a job, and like being fired. It has felt as if I had known for some time how wrong, bad, or out of alignment the situation was for me, that I knew it was in ways toxic, that it wasn’t serving me and yet it was all I knew.
Letting go of what I know is scary. Usually when I am going through a big change I just have my own feelings and the ones I am entangled with but this time, it’s an entire race. We are all going through a really big transformation, and it’s painful and frightening. As an empath, I feel this deeply in all ways, and it is a lot. When I took all of this feeling with me into my deep pit to break apart I pounded my fists for everyone, I cried for everyone, I acknowledged the fear for everyone and then I gave myself permission to just feel me.
This was freeing.
As I held space for myself among the chaos and found surrender, I found hope. I remembered every challenging situation I got through and how the unknown was equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. I engaged every one of my senses into the memory of reinvention, of innovation, of transformation and I took a breath. In that breath I felt the creator. I felt my animal guides, I felt my higher self and the higher realms. I am not alone. In deep commune with my soul I committed to rise and I asked for help.
Help arrived the next day. I had sent out emails, and messages within my moments of self sabotage and I was rewarded for my vulnerability. Two calls came in that changed the course of my life. The two calls provided me clarity down a path, they showed me the crossroads I am at and they illuminated my choices. They were NOT nice to me, but they were KIND. They did not judge me but they were candid in calling me out. They spoke to me in words I could hear and asked me about my soul’s calling. They asked me why I do what I do and how I want to continue to turn up for me, for my son, and for my community. I am deeply humbled and forever grateful for the many moments in my life: mentors, angels, animals and people have turned up in my darkest moments and illuminated the paths before me.
I got lost, but I found myself. I gave myself space to forget and remember and from here I rise. I am ready now to step through and into this transformation, to embrace the gamut of emotions that comes with total transformation, to surrender to the unknown and to be present. I am ready to return to my community and to restructure my business in this way too. My business is a reflection of me, and I am always changing. As I evolve under the times, so too must by business. I choose the path to the left, if you want to come, many hands make light work and it’s always more fun together.
Do you enjoy reading the ramblings of an empath? Do they inspire you, make you question or create an urge to connect deeper? SOON YOU CAN. Introducing a paid monthly gathering space with live and recorded yoga classes, distance reiki, meditation, stump-me sessions (popcorn style group coaching), astrology talks, plant talks and more! Stay tuned shortly for how to register.
Tawny is a born adventurer who has a childlike curiosity about everything, and brings that into all she does. An empath, medical intuitive, yoga teacher, reiki master, massage practitioner, dabbling herbalist and life coach brings a variety of flavour to all she does. After more than 10 years of international work, Tawny has gained a deep passion for leading people into the physical and spiritual realms of human experience.