Dear Diary,
I hear of people climbing Mount Everest and when they get so close to their dream they die from pushing themselves too far. As I work this week with a left gastroc and piriformis muscle that is deeply indeed of my attention and cleansing, “the push” is on my mind. As an entrepreneur and a solo momma, I am in my masculine often. The masculine energy gives me the strength, the drive, the ability to do more than any human should be able to do. This constant push comes at a cost though, my feminine, a.k.a, my left side. My right side has been working so hard and it has served me and it is tired and strained and the left is letting me know that a shift in balance is needed. This week it is not just the push of Everest that resonates, its death. I died inside this week, some naivety, some part of me that can’t understand violence died a little bit when I fell under personal attack in my own home.
Strength & Patience Cleansing
Life always hands us opportunities to grow and as I met this challenge sobbing in disbelief I then found myself full of anger and hatred. How quickly I left my center and settled into in vehemence, how easy it became to plot revenge, to appease my own wounds. I sought out help, or rather angels dropped a few humans on my doorstep and together we picked up the pieces. This morning as I showered, I asked the soap to wipe away my hatred and the water to cleanse my anger. I begged for help from that which is bigger than me to be humbled, to forgive, to release. I sobbed again and then I made a choice, I choose to rise above an others anger and hatred and not consume it as my own. I chose to write a new story, one of gratitude, and I chose to have compassion over forgive. I can’t right now make my way fully through forgiveness without compassion and pity. When I pity the hardened heart of someone so hurtful I realize it is their lack of love and it does not need to become mine. The more I leaned into this compassion the easier forgiveness became until I realized that I want no part of the hatred story and refuse to engage in it.
Shifting My Energy
DO NOT mistake me for a doormat. This is not about backing down and being walked over, this is about understanding someone’s motives come from deep wounding and that engaging is simply feeding wounds that serve none of us. I made a vow to spread 80,000 seeds of change, to live and lead from the heart and to teach a new way of being. I am not immune to the challenges this loft goal brings, but I am in it for life. I am in the trenches deciphering love, boundaries, courage, and vulnerability and chances are if you are reading this, you are too.
So tonight I acknowledge I died on Mount Everest, a noble death, a part of me that no longer serves, masculine energy of an old-world paradigm that serves none of us and I release it. In this death I rise, the feminine strength, courageous in my ability to disengage, to choose to see the beauty in what I have, not what I have lost, and to forge forward creating a sanctuary for me and all sentient beings who choose this path of life. I see in the dark, in all ways, always. Thank you Owl medicine for helping me take flight even with broken wings, and reminding me of the beauty within the pain.