Diaries – 3rd Week Of October

Dear Diary,

The heaviness of the full moon is finally lifting. I feel like i can breathe again. I have had a week full of discomfort and illumination. At so many points this week I felt as if the world was coming at me from all sides, there were moments where I was certain I stopped breathing, and moments where I cried. Although things came at me with speed, they also brought clarity and direction. There was not one “trick” or “tool” i used this week, it was a combination of going inward, herbs, wine, and trust. 

Digging Deep Into My Vision

As I unpacked the studio and revealed another layer of the space, I had to dig deep into my vision and ask myself again and again “why” for the space and how I want to feel. I worked hard to stay committed to my core values, my compass of integrity, compassion, courage, and curiosity. As I allowed those core values to govern all my decisions it took me deeper to understanding the role of yoga in my life. I took yoga to help grieve the passing of my dad, to change my life, and to help me turn up as a parent. I never thought about being a yoga teacher and yet, here I stood preparing to open my very own studio.

The heaviness of the moon pushed me into this memory. I long for my dad this week and I bargained with wine as to whether my dad alive was worth giving up the space I was standing in… and then I broke down and sobbed. Through the tears I found gratitude, and although I ached for one more hug I laid there in the space asking my dads energetic form to come and see what he had helped create. As I mourned and found myself back in the state that pushed me to take yoga in the first place, I found clarity on why I was on that floor, and I slowly began to rise.

Allowing The Dark & Trusting My Light

Sitting there in the stillness of what I have almost created, I allowed the heaviness of the moon to envelop me. I begged for Kali to come join me and to help me transform and transmute. I learned about Kali in yoga and in chanting. I learned about breathing too, so here I sat using tools from my very training to allow me to rise. It hit me then, the studio is indeed about me rising, but it is the space I intend to hold to help others rise too, a place where I can meld business and spiritual growth into one, a place where 80,000 seeds of change can emanate from. The space, the building, my classes, my courses, my one on one practice, they may only last a season, but the effects could last a century! There once was a centre in London called the Lotus centre, and its founder, and its vision crumbled, as many things do. It existed before I lived here and yet to this day I meet incredible people all touched and connected because of the beating heart that was once in those four walls. Dad, you had the biggest heart ever, I hope you hold your heart with mine and allow our hearts to create a healing beat that can help others rise the way I have learned to do and to share the legacy of your big beautiful Leo heart for all to feel.

It was both lighter and harder this week. The moon receded, and in her wake I grieved. I made a choice in this grieving to stand in the muck, to allow in the dark and trust my light, and instead of shutting down I chose to feel, I opened my heart in restorative yoga, I drank tea, I cried, and I breathed.  I turned deep inside to seek out my own inner light and trusted it would stay burning bright despite the dark. I stopped this week looking for someone else to burn for me or to rekindle it and trusted that the light within me was bright enough. I celebrated this week, me, my life, my hurt, and my new space. To allow the beauty of what it is to become. I needed to allow the dark place it was born from to be acknowledged and celebrated too. I feel lighter.