Diaries – 3rd Week Of August

Dear Diary,

My heart feels like it has left my chest and is laying on the table. I feel as if I am watching it beat so mesmerized by its ability to nurture me and look whole despite it feeling like it is cracked in a million pieces. Past trauma and life feel like they have taken the wheel. This has been one of the toughest weeks I have had in some time. The full moon fell in Aquarius, which is the sign my moon resides in. Our moon in our charts is where and how we process emotions and so Aquarius full moons hit me with a punch.

Guiding Myself Through Trauma

This moon fell the week of my dad’s birthday. I wanted so badly to honor him. I honored him by launching my new site which was only possible because of his legacy. I wasn’t prepared for the waves of grief that hit me that day. On one hand, I wanted to celebrate all I have accomplished and how glorious my site is and in the next moment, I was sobbing with anger that he wasn’t here to see it. I found myself leaning into the emotions of grief all at once, denial that he is really gone, anger that his life is gone and he made those choices. I remembered and found acceptance that he and I had a soul contract that ensured my son is going to be okay forever. As I grieved madly for the day I sobbed while driving, I teared up in conversations, and no one saw me crying, as I responded to all the amazing comments on the progress of my business and the incredible feedback on the labor of love that went into my new website. By Thursday, I was certain I had lived three weeks in a day but nothing could prepare my poor heart for Friday.

Friday with the rawness of the day before I picked up my mom and we met her oncologist. Up till now, the journey has felt just like fighting a cold or common virus. Being in the waiting room with so many sick people instantly landed in my stomach and I was nauseous. As we approached the blood workspace I collapsed outside in a chair unable to go near the smell of blood or sight needles. We were lucky that the day was running on time and was graciously pulled from the mass waiting room for chemo patients and oncology seekers into our own room where the solid metal door gave me some reprieve from the bodies around me. Being empathic and walking into a hospital, daycares, funerals, or bars can be immensely painful for me and it can be so easy to lose touch with my center.

Appreciating Life For What I Have

Our appointment was brief but informative. We were delivered news that informed us… time is short. On one hand, I am so grateful someone gave me notice. My dad passed away suddenly after being discharged from the emergency room. I tell myself to be grateful and I look for so many ways to spin a silver lining into this situation and by mid-day, I just wanted to throw bricks. I went to see a mentor and had a fascia release massage because I compartmentalize and shut down, trauma has made me do this to survive. Now knowing what I know I needed a way to feel safe with someone else to guide me so I could trust my self to release the emotions and yet protect my mind from the past in the process. It’s a fine line and takes an immense skill from a practitioner. After many tears and a massage all I could come up with is the cliche, life is not fair.

The past few weeks I feel as if I had everything to be grateful for, believe me, I am, and yet I am enduring immense heartbreak and transition in the process. By Friday night, I hit the point where I reached for a glass of wine. I struggle with alcohol. I enjoy wine for creative writing, deep conversation, time with girlfriends, or vacation. With my heritage being metis I worry about the effects of alcohol spiritually and physically as well as with my mom’s diagnosis of liver cancer. This weekend I have tried to be kind to myself. I have tried to acknowledge I am suffering, I am hurting, I am grieving, I am trying to protect myself, I am trying to control… and be okay with it. I know there are some old patterns here. I see them but I can’t manage them today, so today I just love me as I am. I took my wine to the deck after babe went to sleep and I sat for 2 hours staring at a candle listening to the crickets and the frogs. They may not have solved my problems but sitting with Aquarius moonlight and the sounds of nature I was able to just be me and give myself permission to get it wrong,  I am an Empath, a healer, a guide, a leader, a mother, a daughter, a friend and I have gifts, but above all I am human. For today, that has to be enough.