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Diaries – 1st Week Of August

Dear Diary,

This week had me focused on my home. I have put a lot of thought into what makes a home, where I live, the importance of who surrounds us in our community, and the feasibility of change. I wanted to live modestly so I could make sure we traveled and had money for camping and sports but I am rethinking those decisions as I long for a yard to throw a ball and grow a medicine garden. Things have been challenging in our community lately and it really caused me to think hard on my decisions and re-evaluate how I want to raise my little human but also how I want to live. It’s no surprise the home was taking up so much brain space as we were under the astrological sun sign of Cancer. Cancer reigns the home and nurturing and as such, I found myself in deep reflection on parenting matters and our physical house.

Reflecting Deep On Parenting Matters

As my mind swirled with possibilities I had to keep watch on my inner dialogue. Words like I can’t, shame, and guilt surface sometimes when I am wading in the parenting realm alone. There have been times this week where the awareness of what alone for me and my son feels like, no siblings, no paternal grandparents, no father figure and a maternal grandparent journeying with cancer. The harsh reality of aloneness bore its ugly head as I contemplated camping, my business, and what I can afford for a house or even education. In the past, I would have simply dismissed these thoughts as invalid and stifled them but this time I sat with them. I felt them in my shoulders, my stomach, and my upper back and I just breathed into each fear. As I sat with these emotions day in and day out all week they slowly began to shift and the fog began to dissipate enough that I could once again focus on what I CAN do, ask for help!

Reaching Out & Finding Comfort

As the new moon arrived, a rare black one, I was journalling furiously for all the things I need a source to help me with and all the areas I am willing to receive. I am not alone, I am one with all of you and the infinite source that is energy and when I remember that everything gets a bit easier. I asked for help with clarity around my home and living situation, around my business, around parenting, and even around love. I reached out to friends and asked for help with care so I can build enough income to hire someone to help me with babysitting around the work events that I need for business and for my soul. I have asked and so, now transition into the hard part, patience.

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