IT IS DARK. The light is waning, the skies are heavy and grey and the shadow aspects of me seem darker and bigger than ever. In my former years, this darkness scared me. I was afraid of what was there because when I entered the dark parts of me I only saw them through the light of blame. I feared the shadow because I viewed it as parts of me that were bad, parts of me that were wrong, and saw it only as my failures.
Today as the shadow grows bigger I am walking in steadily without a light of blame and instead with a lens of curiosity.
What is it that is niggling my soul right now?
What feels so out of alignment?
Why do I feel as if Joy and Happiness are missing?
What path am I on that is just not quite right for me?
These questions take me deep.
The waves of fear and grief rise and I allow them to enfold me. I am hovering in the depths allowing the water to reflect back to me what I need to see. I find myself suspended in my old relationships evaluating what they taught me about rescuing, enmeshment, codependency, worthiness.
My past relationships flood my awareness and I lean into the pain.
I am searching the feelings of pain asking my guides for help on what the past is trying to show me right now. The questions become clear, I surface for a breath of air and know its time to explore
Where am I feeling unworthy?
Where am I caught up in rescuing?
Where have I stepped away from my authentic self to please other people?
Before I can process these questions, another wave crashes in and down I go again.
The water surrounds me and I watch for the next reflection projected from my shadow self. I see a village, a farm, children, and the forest.
I recognize the business plan I wrote in 2012 called Harmony Ranch. I see the many relationships that I tried to manipulate into my farm vision and I feel the pain of all the failures. I feel the pain and shame of getting it wrong; of never being in the right spot, with the right people; never having the right money to make the dream materialize.
On the surface now I ask what is it about that dream I can’t let go of? What is it about that vision that is bringing up so much shame and pain?
Before I can answer once again I am pulled under and this wave hurts.
I see my dad’s face.
I lost him and gained an opportunity to transform my life. I thought that yoga and massage would be the answer and I spent his legacy to fulfill that path.
I can not breathe.
I wish I had had the courage to chase the farm dream with his legacy alone.
I let fear hold me back. I let myself down. I have to forgive myself for doing what I thought was best, what I thought I could manage and what felt right at the time, even though it has left me financially ruined.
I rise again, my salty tears now one with the dark waves. I am in the shadows to forgive myself. To accept my humanness, to let go of judgement of myself and others as I allow the pain to roll through me.
Mercury Retrograde always comes as an opportunity to course-correct. I will sit with these questions and these emotions and I will lean into the possibilities of healing. I will go inward deeper yet. There is more to explore and unravel.
As with any storm, I do not know where I will land when it is over, but I have faith that it will take me where I need to be.
Are you scared of darkness?
Are you at least curious?
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