are you scared of darkness

Are You Scared of the Darkness?

IT IS DARK. The light is waning, the skies are heavy and grey and the shadow aspects of me seem darker and bigger than ever. In my former years, this darkness scared me. I was afraid of what was there because when I entered the dark parts of me I only saw them through the light of blame. I feared the shadow because I viewed it as parts of me that were bad, parts of me that were wrong, and saw it only as my failures.

Today as the shadow grows bigger I am walking in steadily without a light of blame and instead with a lens of curiosity.

What is it that is niggling my soul right now?
What feels so out of alignment?
Why do I feel as if Joy and Happiness are missing?
What path am I on that is just not quite right for me?

These questions take me deep.

The waves of fear and grief rise and I allow them to enfold me. I am hovering in the depths allowing the water to reflect back to me what I need to see. I find myself suspended in my old relationships evaluating what they taught me about rescuing, enmeshment, codependency, worthiness.

My past relationships flood my awareness and I lean into the pain.

I am searching the feelings of pain asking my guides for help on what the past is trying to show me right now. The questions become clear, I surface for a breath of air and know its time to explore

Where am I feeling unworthy?
Where am I caught up in rescuing?
Where have I stepped away from my authentic self to please other people?

Before I can process these questions, another wave crashes in and down I go again.

The water surrounds me and I watch for the next reflection projected from my shadow self. I see a village, a farm, children, and the forest.

I recognize the business plan I wrote in 2012 called Harmony Ranch. I see the many relationships that I tried to manipulate into my farm vision and I feel the pain of all the failures. I feel the pain and shame of getting it wrong; of never being in the right spot, with the right people; never having the right money to make the dream materialize.

I surface.

On the surface now I ask what is it about that dream I can’t let go of? What is it about that vision that is bringing up so much shame and pain?

Before I can answer once again I am pulled under and this wave hurts.

I see my dad’s face.

I lost him and gained an opportunity to transform my life. I thought that yoga and massage would be the answer and I spent his legacy to fulfill that path.

I can not breathe.

I wish I had had the courage to chase the farm dream with his legacy alone.

I let fear hold me back. I let myself down. I have to forgive myself for doing what I thought was best, what I thought I could manage and what felt right at the time, even though it has left me financially ruined.

I rise again, my salty tears now one with the dark waves. I am in the shadows to forgive myself. To accept my humanness, to let go of judgement of myself and others as I allow the pain to roll through me.

Mercury Retrograde always comes as an opportunity to course-correct. I will sit with these questions and these emotions and I will lean into the possibilities of healing. I will go inward deeper yet. There is more to explore and unravel.

As with any storm, I do not know where I will land when it is over, but I have faith that it will take me where I need to be.

Are you scared of darkness?

Do you find yourself looking for the opportunity to embrace change too?
Are you at least curious?

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Healing from Within is pleased to support RAVEN (Respecting Aboriginal Values and Environmental Needs).
RAVEN is the only non-profit charitable organization in Canada that uses the power of the crowd to fund access to justice for Indigenous Peoples.

When successful, the legal actions of RAVEN’s Indigenous partners set precedents for future cases and advance legal rights and title.
They also create significant environmental benefits.

Supporting Indigenous-led initiatives is an effective way to curtail unsustainable industrial development and drive systemic change.

4 thoughts on “Are You Scared of the Darkness?”

  1. We make choices with the best information we have at the time. We can’t know success until we taste many failures but it is all the sweeter when faith brings victory finally home.

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